


hurt in ways i can't describe

by giovanchis



Category: Attack - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, also this angsty sorry, i feel like only those who know who dies will catch it', there is like a mini kinda spoiler for season four
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:27:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giovanchis/pseuds/giovanchis
Summary: eren thinks about his relationship with armin
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager
Comments: 7
Kudos: 83





	hurt in ways i can't describe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bestie baes](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=bestie+baes).



Fight. Fighting is all Eren knows at this point. He tries to not think of the past anymore, there is no point to it anyway. But when he does, he thinks back on it with anguish and anger. All of this could’ve been avoided if the Marleyans didn’t do this. His course of life would’ve been completely changed, hell, he might’ve not even been born if the Marleyans weren’t in the world. He doesn’t know what to do with that thought, so he pushes it deep down, stomping on it. He couldn’t think about the million what-ifs, he had to think of the future. What he could do to change it and how he would carry that plan out. The mirror he was gazing at was a reminder of who the person he was and what he had to do. Eren Yeager. A titan shifter. A subject of Ymir. It made him sick, but he was glad it was him holding this burden instead of any of his other friends.

His other friends, what were they doing right now? He thought of Historia first, her eager hands holding documents to help the children. Then he thought of Connie, which led him to think about Sasha. He punched the wall, knowing that that was something Connie would never be able to get over. He quickly thought of Hange and Levi, two people who made his life an experimental hell. Jean flashed through his memories too. Everything was going too fast.

Then he thought about Mikasa. He thought of his words to her, how mean he was, how he could’ve been nicer. He shook his head, not wanting those what-ifs to get the better of him. But still, her scarf on her neck was missing every time he saw her, and it made his stomach slightly turn when he saw her look...better than he had ever seen her. The dark expression on her face had lightened over the years surprisingly, and Eren thought it had to do with his disappearances.

And then, his thoughts shifted to Armin. Armin...he didn’t know what to think of him anymore. Eren thought of their childhood days, how eager Armin was to see the outside world. He thought of their nights spent awake in the Training Corps Camp, how Armin would crawl into bed with him, terrified by the nightmares he had about the Titans, his grandfather, his parents. Eren remembered the times he reluctantly crawled into Armin’s bed, shaking, after finding out he was a Titan shifter. The memories made Eren start shaking slightly, he grabbed a drink of water and then laid in his bed. As he closed his eyes, he began involuntarily thinking about Armin again. He remembered the ocean. The sun shone on his blonde hair and it made him look like an angel from the paintings that hung in the Courthouse. His smile could’ve been contagious, but Eren was focused on something else. And then his eyes, his eyes perfectly matched the ocean’s hue. They were not dulled out like so many of Eren’s comrades, they were still a vibrant blue then. Those eyes reminded Eren of the nights where they laid next to each other, and Armin would look at him for reassurance. Eren would squeeze his hand, and the worry faded from Armin’s eyes.

But those eyes weren’t the same. They were still the vibrant blue that Eren treasured, but they were emptier. Armin’s whole persona seemed to be hollowed out, he was less fearful of his plans failing, but at what cost. Dear God, what happened? Eren asked himself. There were millions of answers. The cost of every mission caught up with him, he had seen so many of his friends die, he was the Colossal Titan. Eren wanted to take him into his arms, make him laugh, hold his hand as he used to when they were younger. But he couldn’t.

However, Eren noticed something else, he noticed that the spark in Armin’s eyes lit up when he spoke to Mikasa or Jean or when he spoke about his plans to others. He noticed the spark when Armin talked about how proud he was of his comrades. He noticed it when he saw the kids in Marley, when he met new people, when he spoke of the deeds of the deceased in his life. Eren saw the spark light up a lot now that he thought about it. And every time he thought about it, Eren smiled. He began racking his brain for times Armin looked at him and smiled like he used to. It must’ve been an hour when he came to another realization. Armin’s eyes didn’t shine for him anymore. He knew that both had changed considerably due to the events of the past years, but Eren liked to think he held a similar attitude towards Armin than he did everyone else. It was nothing personal, it was just the way he had to do things. But, it was just Eren who didn’t light up Armin’s eyes. The eyes Armin held for him now were filled with sadness, pity, disappointment. Every recent memory with Armin pained him after that realization.

Eren thought of the time. He purged his mind of the memories, hoping they wouldn't revisit him in his dreams. His fleeting mind held on to one question: _When did he start looking at me with those eyes?_

**Author's Note:**

> okay sorry im going thru it with eremin. i know they wont get their little happy ending so im coping with angst. 
> 
> song title: 100 years by florence + the machine hiiii


End file.
